glas window
June 2020
relate | relating | relationships
“LIFE, FAMILIES AND BUSINESS ARE ALL BUILT ON RELATIONSHIPS. REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU DO, HOW WE RELATE MATTERS.”
Given that relationships are so important we’ve been looking at them in a little more detail over the past month, especially following our latest research results.
This month we’ll take you through:
WHAT DO WE MEAN BY RELATE and RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT’S GOING ON - THE RESEARCH
HOW WE CAN IMPROVE RELATIONSHIPS
WHAT YOU CAN DO
WHAT NEXT - AND A RECOMMENDED READ FOR YOU
Try the online “Understanding” assessment and receive your free report for you and / or your team.
The word “relate” means ‘brought back’, and is about more than teams, culture, people or family. In GLAS, we include all of these, but we also want to understand the dynamics of ‘relate’.
All relationships have a past. All relationships have a meaning to us. They don’t need to even still exist to us.
There are 5 main ways in which we ‘relate’, and quite often several can apply at the same time. Let’s take a look…
RELATE - Categories
Resources
(perception of time - the past, present and future, wealth and health)
We relate to resources - such as out health or our perception of wealth. We can become worried about how much time we have and what we do with it. We might be someone that’s always late or always very early - that’s a relationship with time.
Experiences
(events, memories, occasions, stories etc)
This focuses on things that have happened, are happening and will happen. Our past experiences will especially influence the way we relate to the future. If we believe we were unfairly treated or lied to, this is stored and impacts our approach in future, as an example.
Possessions
(things we have, use, own, create, systems, build etc).
This includes: items, money, shares, houses, businesses, processes etc. We attach meaning to things, items and stuff that is about far more than their face value - a car, for example, can represent hard work and freedom.
Status and Achievement
(how we label, assume and feel about people and things).
We relate to people, and things, based on how we see them and identify with them. Our political view can change how we relate to something - or fans of a team will relate to the referees decisions through our ‘bias’ of who we support, to list a few examples.
Living Things
(people, animals and the living world).
Of course we relate to the living world and people. All relationships we have with people also stem from the past and are formed from our identity and influences.
Within this ‘living things’ category that we can relate to, there are 5 types of relationship we have with ‘people’ specifically. Let’s dig a little deeper…
RELATIONSHIPS - People Categories
Family
The first type of relationship we have is with family. Of course, families have changed over the past several decades with more “blended” families than we’ve ever had (referring to a family consisting of a couple, the children they have had together, and their children from previous relationships). We also have more commuter families, same sex families etc.
The family unit used be Mum, Dad and 2.4 children.
“Family” is a personal definition, and can be your biological family, those that have raised you, or people you simply regard as “family” - as with many teams and people that live together.
Romance
Another type of relationship is a romantic one - a marriage, partnership or new “love interest”.
Social
Our friends. This is a closer relationship -The people we truly choose to be in our lives. This has been the hardest hit during COVID19 - along with Family.
Interests
We can form relationships with people we share an interest with; sports teams, books clubs, parent classes, dog lovers, networking. There is a thing / task / cause that brings people together and from here, relationships form. Quite often this is the start of a relationship, that shifts into a ‘social’ relationship.
Professional
Our work colleagues, customers, suppliers - and wider networks. Many people form deeper relationships through work and professional pursuits. While this category is a little like Interests, in there being common ground between individuals, we can choose what and who are in our Interest groups more easily - and they are certainly easier to leave! They are also less intense than our Professional relationships - and don’t have so many “procedures” associated with them.
With both the RELATE categories and the RELATIONSHIP categories, there is also one common denominator: US as INDIVIDUALS. If you want to improve any of these categories, we have to start with ourselves. It’s that simple. We are the source of everything in our lives - just like the first brick in the stacking game of Jenga.
In many ways our relationships lag behind how we feel.
In the GLAS framework, we consider 7 Elements that are present in life, business and all living systems (each has a colour identifier). We have been tracking how people feel about each of the 7 Elements for over 9 weeks now, which is shown in the graph below:
Purpose - purple
External impact - blue
Activities - orange
Relate - green
Self - pink
Leadership - gold
Motivation - silver
Looking at relationships (green), self (pink) and external impact (blue) in particular, you can see a dramatic drop in how people around the world - but primarily in the UK - felt about their self and the external world during week 5.
This was the week commencing 11th June, when the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, announced the message was changing from ‘Stay Home’ to ‘Stay Alert’. Since then we’ve struggled to get back to a positive feeling.
During the following week, week 6 of our research, we then also saw a significant drop in how we felt about our relationships. We observed people reporting more tension, less harmony, and working hard to “pretend; that things were positive.
Of course it’s not as simple as a speech causing a dramatic impact - many other things have also happened; Zoom fatigue, uncertain futures, unable to escape the day-to-day through sport and other external outlets, and even having interesting things to talk about as everyone has been restricted and the novelty has worn off. In other words, we have been unable to balance life. What has replaced it is frustration and anger. But the fear of the changing world and many mixed and unclear messages from our ‘leaders’ clearly does create chaos and doubt.
At GLAS we know that: CHAOS + DOUBT = SURVIVAL.
This transfers to our way of relating and therefore to our relationships - with others, but especially with ourselves.
The overall results of how balanced and aligned people have felt, across all 7 GLAS Elements, between 13th April to 12th June is shown above with the average score originally being -1.2 and hitting a low during week 5 at -12.8. It’s currently running at -9.9.
When we feel low, it will certainly create tension and imbalance in our relationships - as well as challenges in our activities, interaction with the world and our vision of the future.
The possible score range is +20 to -20.
HOW WE CAN IMPROVE RELATIONSHIPS
Given that each of us is the source of what happens in our lives, the easiest answer to the question is “improve yourself and you’ll improve everything else”.
But what does that mean?
Well, to remove the chaos, we need clarity and direction. Given that the world is changing and we have a challenge around politics and formal leaderships, we need to look at how we each lead our lives with purpose. This allows us to create a level of clarity for ourselves.
To remove the doubt, we need to be prepared to work on our identity and sense of who we are. This eventually builds an inner confidence.
Finally, we can focus on the 5 components of great relationships (of all types) - and remember to apply these to ourselves first!
Compassion
we need to sit alongside others and listen - to be present with themChallenge
we need to have positive challenges, to question - to progressCommitment
we need to show up and participate, physically and emotionallyCommunicate
we need to listen and speak - to build precise understandingClear Expectations
we need to share, agree and review what we expect of ourselves, others and each other - to be adaptable
You’re welcome to drop us a line to discuss the GLAS Discovery session and building a strategy to properly transform relationships, how you relate, your identity and find your purpose.
FOR YOU TO DO
The relate grids
Because of the interconnected nature of the 7 Elements of GLAS, we’ve looked at what happens to relationships - especially in teams and work environments, but in also in general - to see what happens positively and negatively.
You can print out the download and see where you and your team are.
As an example, when you have positive relationships with poor leadership, it creates disruption.
RECOMMENDED READING
We’re recommending Marshall Goldsmith’s book, TRIGGERS.
The intent of Triggers is to help the reader understand the barriers to change and how we encounter triggers (things that impact behaviour) in various ways; we have direct and indirect triggers, internal and external, conscious and unconscious, anticipated and unexpected – and with all of them, choices.
By raising self-awareness you can start to recognise your own BELIEFS and how you relate to others.
This is turn results in behaviours causing further triggers.
By developing structures we can flip into a much more positive way of behaving - both to ourselves and to others. There are many examples and strategies to try, including: switching to ACTIVE questions, asking for help, apologising – which Marshall refers beautifully to as ‘Magic Moves’.