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Something Worth SharingThe Tension Between Internal and External Over the years, there have been times when I have felt a tension between external societal acceptance and the internal drive of self-responsibility, entrepreneurship and growth. Society expects us to behave in a pretty linear fashion; we are expected to go to school, get good results, get a good job, meet someone, marry and have children, work hard and eventually retire. My life certainly hasn’t been linear! In chatting about this - as our daughter begins her secondary school exams - it reminded me of how this tension is one we are all born with; the tension between internal and external needs - pleasing others and following the “should” path, versus doing what we feel is right. As Dr Gabor Mate explains, we are born with two specific needs; we have a basic need for attachment (external) and for authenticity (internal): Attachment is a need to belong and be cared for (fed) so that we survive. This often requires us to comply to external factors - externally driven. Authenticity is our ability to express and manifest who we are, our own feelings and instincts. This requires us to have the courage and confidence of who we are - internally driven.
When these two needs are in conflict and under tension, it can lead to us denying one of them - often the need for authenticity, as we give ourselves away in exchange for the acceptance by others. The sad reality is that we can live without our authenticity more than we can survive without our care-giver relationships. The choice that was initially required for our survival from birth, and can stay and haunt us into adulthood. This is the external drive which can lead us to ignore our instincts and suppress our feelings. Our internal identity needs take second place to our external needs. We therefore need to stay 1) aware 2) ready to do the work to protect our identity and authenticity.
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